Friday, January 30, 2009

On the road again...

For a long time now I have slowly been cutting things that could be cut out of my life. I have been pulling in, and slimming down the things on my to-do list... and last month I started to realise that the things I had been getting rid of to make my life easier were the things I was doing on my own... The things that didn't have anything to do with kids, family, etc.

I would spend time taking pictures, I would garden, I would play my guitar, I worked for a farm that had standards I believe in, I would work with wood, fabric, and paper and make beautiful things, I had chickens (in the city), I cooked good food everyday and took pictures and bragged about it all right here.

Slowly, oh so slowly, I got very overwhelmed. While I was doing all of these things, life happened. My kids started doing badly in school, I got pregnant, Don got a job that he had to commute too... so I adjusted. I pulled Cyan out of public school, had a baby, pulled Alex out of public school... and all of a sudden I was drowning in things I couldn't do right... because I didn't have time to do anything all the way. I hated where I was going with my life. Felt like I was in the middle of the ocean perched on a very precarious rock and I would either fall to one side (rage) or fall to the other (despair). I fell both ways a couple times before I realised it wasn't working.

When we decided to move, I thought that this would be my opportunity to get rid of a few 'extras'. I let things I believed in go... not for lesser things... but for different things. Things that I couldn't necessarily control. I got rid of the chickens. I let my beautiful garden move on to another persons hands. I haven't opened my guitar case since we moved...

Some things ended that were completely out of my control: Logan broke my camera lens. My farm work ended because the season was over. You can't be mad about it... you can't hold on to it... but one day, I looked up and every activity I had done 'just for myself' was gone.

Some of it makes me very sad. But some of it is a relief. And a lot of the time, I can't figure out which is what. I loved doing all of it... but if I wasn't doing any of it well, what should I pick back up now that my slate of things I do in my ten minutes of spare time has been wiped clean?

I want to be successful. I want to have self worth that isn't wrapped up in other peoples achievements. My husband, my kids... I want to have just a little something of my own. Wrong time of year for most of my hobbies... but something I was thinking about tonight.

2 comments:

Wählen Sie nun Ihre Gift said...

Sometimes, who we are gets lost when we try to nurture who we want them to be. Stay true to yourself. You will have time to find you, and to do thing you love... well.

Dina said...

beautiful words by poster above...just think of this as a time to renew and recharge and you will come back to things that are just for you! *hugs*